Journal Entry #7*

learning to separate the spirit from the emotion…

within myself is where peace truly live; especially, when you learn to forgive.

I am more pleased by my new behavior, it use to feel like failure …

I yearn to genuinely be humble; so, I stray from judgement – wouldn’t want my blessings to crumble…

it’s so much I want to do; being good at just one thing, has never been my mood!

Journal Entry #5 and 6

No. 5

as I sit here and think, “why have these scenarios happened to me?”

Though, those questions seem to go unanswered, I still handle it with a positive manner.

confused in how handling this moment is right; should I keep entertaining or cut it down with a knife?

I’m so confident in most situations; then, for some reason I begin to run wild with my imagination…

No. 6

Appearing to belong, when my placement is wrong; Boy! Am I tired of this song!

opening up, releasing my fears, moving through the wind, allowing its strength to wipe away my tears – once again, another chapter is near…

balance is what I’m ultimately after, truly when people ask, its hard to explain the matter.

I am confident that things will soon get better.

Journal Entries # 3 and 4*

although in my mind it’s feels like gibberish; please understand this is me figuring out who I am with a peculiar way of delivering it

3


spilling emotions into my work; easing my heart from the actual hurt

every day I try to make sense of what I am doing; conceiving the conquering of everything I am pursuing

on a journey to tranquility, even though life mostly has been on a mission to defeat me; I’m motionless to threats, I’d rather let my pen bleed

shaking up many hornet’s nests, my mind is as strong as my body, later, I’ll find time to rest

4

this is very therapeutic – watching Ricky and Morty – because it’s sincerely amusing

quoting my thoughts with intentions to reflect on my ways; in search of a better manner to behave

I’m fixing up my environment for succession; as well, I’ll reflect on where I need progression

motivation never felt so good – it’s all in the mannerism and physical face value; inspired by the options available to me; catching up to all that’s due; I should always be given the truth

S/o*

following a melodic tone

feeling the sensitive flow of its moan

the vibrations of its falsetto rubs me all the right ways,

using music to explain what it is I’m trying to say

I’m a hopeless romantic

though, I do not fall vulnerable to misleading antics

the soothing sound of love pulls me into a trance

generating thoughts by talking through this dance

I’m spoiling myself with a few classics,

music to my ears, to me, is everlasting

Rendezvous *

Churning the yolk of this relationship; 

Mentally spiraling about the whole bit 

Never felt so deeply about something – 

Grabbing ahold of a serious reality, 

That could be possible; patience is a vitality 

I don’t want this to be an “oh nothing” 

Im indulging too much I guess 

Getting to close; making me depressed 

Just a little only because this is the first time  

I’ve been impressed.. 

sore*

The things I surrender myself to will not be this world no longer, literally had to have everything stripped away from me – Now look at me. Everything was taken away rigorously, the anguish of it all felt back to back; with no one to turn to, talk to, or run to but with the exception of the Lord! He’s who I’ve always needed, and I forgot that apparently. I start looking toward man to be the savior of my inequities, when I should’ve humbled myself and bowed down to the father.  

I am in that place now, just another lesson that needed to be learned for me to understand nothing can be done without him. That wisdom, or intuition you feel within your spirit isn’t just any voice, take the time to meditate to listen so you can hear the warning too and not just with your ears. Your consciousness and intuition and the [precious] gift of common sense, was given to us by the Lord to utilize for the best of ability to live life abundantly. These gifts are only useful or powerful when you allow him to order your steps in the decisions needed for yourself. 

It always seem like crazy talk until you have nothing left, it really feels crazy when you have nothing to give as well. A crimpling feeling I wish on no one honestly. I don’t care anymore about the things said about me, those words spoken about me in my face or behind my back will always come back on you tenfold! I’m covered by the blood, and that’s real.  

Precisely quoted by my one of my favorite singers, “God knows it, Your mind impure, soul I possess, he knows it, Anointed and protected, I was chosen…” 

An example of taking what I need and leaving what I don’t, everything was meant to be treated like such saying as though life should be treated like that with worldly things anyhow. Everything below heaven isn’t always right so why would I listen to every single thing said to me.  

As I go on about it as a matter of fact, it seem like I need to just make better choices on what I take and what I leave; the way I’m choosing could possibly be ass backwards ha-ha ah man! Now that’s a brain teaser!  

Story Time…

The will to conquer is the beginning of the victory

~Europa, Ki Wi

Being Thought About.. What if it was true? 

Getting a little technical about that statement. Everyday, it really doesn’t matter who it is I’m thinking it could be; all I know is I wonder, “I wonder if they’re thinking about me?” Sounds like where I was going at – sounds like a passionate little rap. Moving forward, worrying about what the next person feels about me isn’t anything I care to put focus towards. I mean at this moment, I am creating my thoughts with letters put together, and it’s easy, I always own it! Keep pushing me, say what I thought you said anyway, go ahead, lie to me, and be a fake homie. The truth always comes to light, you can stay in that dark alley, I’ll just simple smile then, I heard it’s very bright. Kill them with kindness, it use to make sense, but now, to me, there’s no other saying like it. Being who I am is what people practice to be, I was blessed with this gift, so it’s a little more easy to me! Does this make you think about she? I mean me, I’m getting beside myself, but that’s only for me to agree! I’m in awe at the fact that people even take the time to paint me negatively; learning that once you spend time with me, that anything negative from me would be an impossibility. I laugh, no matter how I feel, I laugh. The best dose of a healthy starts begin with that, there’s no science behind it, it’s simple, no grids, no graphs. I wouldn’t think twice if that was the only choice I had. People and their thoughts with no common sense behind it, always have a point of view or opinion about who you are and how you feel, resulting in them looking and sounding a bit mindless. I know it’s someone out there that know what I am saying is really real! 

Brooding – engaged in; showing deep thought about something that makes one sad or worried.

~ Meriam-Webster

I would never give credit to man for what God had already written over my life. What I will do, is be grateful for the right vessel and spirits that surrounded me when my true gift was brought to the forefront. Inspirations if you may. I do know that I’m happy in this place and the journey has only begun. The greatness the Lord has in store for me – even I won’t be able to fathom the abundance when it comes! I’m patient and very excited all at once. This is an exhilarating feeling, or energy – what may be the best way to describe this vibration. Sounding as if I’m saying nothing at all, and that’s actually saying a lot. Your actions are verbal as well, don’t keep your mouth shut and still show me your moves like I don’t have more than sight – but vision. Randomly as I write this, compromise happens to come to mind after hearing the how it was used in a deliberation of what a woman should be for anyone else but herself. Compromise is impossible when you’re only being yourself, and how do you not be yourself? That’s so much energy wasted – people do this on their own too. What I wonder though is, if someone was to tell you, “hey! Don’t be yourself be something else, because if you want me in your life that’s the compromise you have to make!” Like what! [chuckles very loud] Outrageous – oh how the human behavior can be. 

ventilation*

Having more than sight is a totality living in this world, in this I don’t intend to rhyme because it isn’t something to play with; it’s just in me to say I  really don’t want to take the time out to think about what goes with what word – you know. I know for myself, personally if It’s meant to come out that way, so be it. I paint pictures for you to truly understand the shoes I fill; it may seem mediocre to the next person, looking at only the quality or the condition of its shell, but I stand in the rawness that’s living on the inside. You truly don’t know; this is fine though, this isn’t your obligation. Your main priority is to deal with you; be for you first. Being last hasn’t really shown it’s  best rewards, it’s almost giving the blessing God intended for you – to someone else.

That’s almost regifting something that was and is priceless, authentic, personalized just for you. How is that fair for you? You is really I, who happens to be me. Something I had to give up was my weakness to guilt; allowing people that should care about me, take full advantage for self-perseverance purposes. Shaking my head in real life – how can a pure heart do that; It doesn’t. Giving isn’t always good nor healthy; decisions are purposeful. The same way I may be picky with my food or even my men; why not be this way about my whole life. This seem to be the best way to live if I don’t just want to exist. Can I get a witness If you agree! Been waiting for this moment, to be free like this in the “comfort” of my own home. Bunny ears because being home isn’t always comfortable – I mean can I be real right now huh?  Just wanting to put it all out there doesn’t feel like such a bad idea depending on the choice of conversation.

Topics would be the formal word for those that laugh at the face of my format. Not realizing it was a poker face or cover page – you understand? No? Ok – check it, I mostly talk how I write, and it’s somewhat professional with a splash of hoodlum ha-ha! ultimately I call it just being me. People still look at me like a circus act though, and it’s cool. The joke is on them when they see how business is really handled. Then the respect is abundant. I’ll be clear, may I add – I don’t force it, if you love it, great. If you don’t, there’s always doors to walk through. The same way you walked in, you can walk out.